FMA Meets Bill Nye the Science Guy!
by toushiro1310
Summary: It's a story about the FMA characters and how they are forced to help Bill make a movie on the basics of alchemy while body guarding him. Bill obviously is a lot more humorous than all the others. Let's see how they cope with him. Chapter 3 is up.
1. Chapter 1

**PLEASE READ!**

**This is set where Roy and Riza are married and they have a daughter. This was requested to be made like so my annoyedbyyou. We are currently making this story to amuse ourselves because we're bored. Its basically a fanfic of how the usually serious characters of FMA would cope with body guarding the funny and comical Bill. **

**FMA meets Bill Nye the Science Guy**

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Roy read his newest assignment to as his daughter clung to his arm in a desperate attempt to get attention.

_Roy Mustang the "Flame Alchemist", Edward Elric the "Fullmetal Alchemist", and military officer Jean Havoc are to assume responsibility of the protection of the famous scientist, Bill Nye._

_The man is currently shooting crucial documentaries about alchemy. _

_He is in danger of being attacked by an unknown organization that claims his studies are corrupt. _

Body-guarding wasn't his favorite job, and apparently it that was the same for Edward who was in the corner talking under his breath. The words he were able to hear weren't entirely too pleasant. Havoc was whining to Breda about the date with his girlfriend he was going to miss and that he wasn't getting paid enough to do all this.

Roy was about to toss the paper when Lira, his daughter, decided that the document was the reason she was getting ignored.

She snapped her fingers and it burst into flames.

Roy snapped his head to look at her, "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING ALCHEMY IN HERE!"

She shook under his rage, "You said you taught it for self defense, never to use it on family and friends, and that the office just installed new fire-"

She was stopped short as the smoke reached the smoke detector. A loud alarm went off and sprinklers shot water across the room.

It all ended with Roy getting extremely mad, everyone getting sopping wet, and Lira being grounded for a month.

* * *

The next day, Roy, Havoc, and Ed hurried to the Fuhrer's office. They had been called there to meet the man they would be guarding.

They were all imagining what he would be like. Obviously he would be very serious and intelligent.

Havoc pictured him as very tall and handsome, most likely a ladies man.

Roy thought that he would look powerful and commanding.

Ed imagined he'd be some old guy that thought he was better than everyone else.

The quickly piled into a large lab and were met by something none of them had expected.

* * *

Standing before them, was a man with wavy brown hair, bushy eye brows, and an almost comical look on his face. He wore a white collared shirt and khaki pants under a very stereotypical lab coat. The most noticeable part of his attire, was the taki polka-dotted bow tie he had on.

When they walked into the room, he smiled brightly and went over to them.

Holding out his hand to Mustang he spoke out cheerily, "The name's Bill, nice to meet you!"

The Colonel hesitated for a second, but quickly accepted the greeting, "Roy Mustang, these are my subordinating officers, Edward Elric the "Fullmetal Alchemist" and Jean Havoc." He said all this and then went from the introduction to the important part, "We're here to body guard you and help you in your documentary of basic alchemy."

The strange man laughed at this and went on explaining his plans of how the video was to be made, "I'll definitely want a demonstration of those flames you use Roy." The Colonel flinched at being addressed so informally.

Taking no apparent notice, Bill went on, "Jean can help me out by being one of my helpers, though I'm terribly sorry to say you won't be allowed to use cigarettes in my studio." Ed suppressed laughter as Havoc gave a look of dismay.

He snapped to attention when he heard his name, "As for Edward here, I'm missing a kid for the Do-It-Yourself Science Lab"

The humor quickly passed to the others as Ed's face turned to one of annoyance and loathing.

Bill could only stare at the anger boiling in the young blond.

_Hmmmm, a lot like boiling water. However, if water gets to hot………._

Just as was hypothesized, Ed seemed to blow steam out of the roof of his head, "Who are you calling _SMALL_? It sure as _Hell_ better not have been me!"

It was going to be a difficult mission, and everyone knew it. In fact, the only one looking forward to this was the famous Bill Nye the Science Guy.

**I know it's short, but im gonna expand it if i get reviews. This is just to see if anyone is interested.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, this is chapter 2 my friend was supposed to write it but I asked her if I could do it while she was busy. She did suggest labeling the scene changes though so...yeah.**

* * *

**Hotel**

Al had been waiting in the hotel while Ed went to meet the guy he was going to work with. His brother had warned him that it would be strict business stuff, to boring for him. So now, he sat and waited.

His armor shell rattled as he let out a long sigh.

Suddenly his older sibling barged into the room and slammed the door behind him, quickly dropping onto his bed.

Al gave him, as quizzical of a look that his metal body could manage, "Brother, you look mad. What happened?"

Ed sat up, he looked extremely annoyed, "That Bill guy is awful," he announced angrily "The idiot just met us and he's already throwing insults, calling the Colonel, Roy, taking Havoc from his cigarettes, and…and…"

"And what?" Al didn't like pushing his brother like this, but curiosity had gotten the better of him.

Ed grimaced, not too happy with what he had to say, "He called me a kid, he thought I was thirteen!"

He couldn't hold it anymore, the giant suit of armor burst out laughing, causing Ed to get even madder.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY! Al, are you listening to me?" the older sibling shook his head and lay down, covering his ears from the uproarious giggling coming from his brother.

He had the night shift, something he didn't look forward to. At least the horrors of his imagination about the guy would keep him awake over there.

* * *

**Military Headquarters**

Roy was just as angry as his subordinate, how could a mere scientist be so informal with a colonel and state alchemist? To make things worse, he had watched some of the man's _documentaries_. They were loathsome to watch with their cheap humor and twisted experiments.

The Do-It-Yourself Science lab had made him gag. For once he was sorry for Fullmetal; the poor boy had to do that! Bill would have kids come out and do experiments that were a complete waste of time. What was so important about taping two soda bottles together and turning it from one end to another? It didn't help in any way at all.

He could only shake his head in disbelief; the people who helped him must have also been insane. Maybe he could wriggle his way out of the job; surely this guy wasn't in any _real _danger.

Roy glanced over his shoulder; Havoc was fumbling with his lighter. The man was using them while he still could, since Bill had insisted that he did not smoke in the vicinity of his lab.

"This is the worst!" cried Havoc, "How can I go in there for more than a few hours without my damn cigarettes?"

He continued to mutter obscenities under his breath while Roy did some of his paperwork.

Roy wondered, what did the military see in this guy?

* * *

**Roy's House**

A few hours later, Roy was sitting in his dining room with Riza. Lira had just gone off to bed, leaving the two of them to discuss his newest mission.

Riza chuckled, "From what I've heard, all of you are having little problems with Mr. Nye."

Roy didn't even perform one of his smirks, instead, his face former into a scowl, "_Little problem _is way to much of an understatement. The man is insane Riza; you should have seen those videos!"

She just shook her head; it didn't make any sense that a grown man would be so judgmental.

"Oh come on, I'm sure he is not nearly bad as you're making him out to be. His videos are for juvenile audiences, he had to make it interesting somehow."

The Colonel rolled his eyes, it was hopeless trying to persuade her, but he still tried.

"Riza," he said in a tired voice "You don't seem to understand, alchemy is NOT for kids. Making silly little clips about it will make people underestimate its true danger!"

He continued on, despite how annoyed she seemed, "Just think about it, people will watch this video and think alchemy is easier than it is. We're professionals so of course the demonstrations are easy for us, but someone may try it for themselves…….."

Riza sighed, "There is that possibility, but for now, please follow orders and be helpful. Goodnight Roy." She bent over to kiss him than quietly left him to ponder things as they were.

* * *

**Bill's Science Lab**

Bill Nye stayed up all night working on his documentary plans. He checked his watch, it was almost 1:00 AM and he was still only as far as ordereing the events! It had to be serious, but at the same time, it would have to be funny! It was a difficult project, but nothing a little brain power couldn't fix. Perhaps he could interview a professional about it.

He had that state alchemist guarding him now, what was his name again?

"Edward?" he called.

The small boy popped his head into the room, "Yes? Do you need something?"

Bill nodded, "I want to interview you, and I've researched all of your backgrounds and I hear that you're so skilled that you don't even need circles to transmute."

Ed just nodded.

The interview went on with questions such as "How do you break the stuff down?" and "How come you can make it so intricately designed without thinking trying too hard?"

A few of these such as the questions about how he could just clap his hands to perform alchemy and why he had auto-mail were never answered. He didn't really feel like letting the guy know. It wasn't like he was obliged to tell, seeing as he had just met the man today.

Afterwards, Bill offered to let Ed borrow some science books since he looked so bored.

At least he knew good entertainment!

Ed propped himself up on a dark, wooden chair right outside Bill's room and read about chemistry. This was pretty fun, since he hadn't looked at this kind of stuff in any text other than alchemy books. Chemical and Alchemic reactions were close to the same thing.

Chemical bonds were broken down, than reformed as a new substance. Equivalent Exchange also echoed the Law of Conservation of Mass:_ Matter cannot be created or destroyed during a chemical reaction. The product will have the exact same amount of mass as its reactants._

This was exactly like the Equivalent Exchange, except for the destroying part.

He was halfway through a chapter about impulses caused by the nervous system when he heard something.

_BANG!_

Edward nearly fell out of his seat, but quickly recovered. He scrambled into the room to see Bill holding a gigantic, crumpled up steel barrel.

"What in the world are you doing?" he said angrily, "You scared me half to death!"

The strange man just chuckled at the young alchemist's outburst and replied in an annoyingly calm voice, "I was doing a science experiment. Quite interesting really, you take a giant sealable container like this and fill it with lots of hot water. You let the water out and close it back up so nothing else gets out. Then, you put it in a tub of ice and-"

Another noise, like wood splintering sounded in the other room. Ed sent an accusing glare at the scientist who merely shrugged his shoulders. It was a sure sign that it wasn't his doing.

Ed quickly transmuted his arm into a blade and stole a look out of the door.

There was a large group of men and women carrying assorted tools such as garden shovel, kitchen knives, rakes, and so on. All the people in the hallway looked like an angry mob.

He guessed the noise came from them coming in through the door, which was in pieces on the ground.

He listened attentively to hear what they were saying.

A woman with dark brown hair and blue eyes, wearing a blue and white polka-dot dress was whispering quietly to the others, "This man is trying to teach alchemy to our children. I refuse to have them learn such a monstrosity! All we have to do is kill him here and now, no one will stop us."

Ed smirked, no one except him. This was going to be an easy job, fighting a disorganized group of housewives and their husbands seemed incredibly simple to do. None of them looked too strong, so he wouldn't be overpowered. The numbers didn't really matter as long as he was quick.

The problem was, Ed wasn't really eager to the idea of hurting any of those people. Maybe, he could just sneak Bill out and report them to the police so they could be found and arrested later in a less violent way.

"Any windows or air vents here?" he asked as quietly as possible.

Bill nodded his head, but then shook it in regret, "There's a small window in over there." He said as he pointed at a small opening in the corner of the room, "But sadly I cannot possibly fit through it."

Ed ran over to the window, yet another simple task. He clapped his hands and transmuted it into a large hole.

This caught the intruders' attention and they barged in, just in time to see a boy in a red coat shove the cause of their raid out of the room.

"GET HIM!" screamed several of the people, "DON'T LET THAT MAN GET AWAY!"

They all ran out of the same exit to find their victims nowhere in sight.

Spreading out, they scoured the area, searching for them while Bill and Edward watched from the roof.

The blond alchemist watched them with an intent curiosity while the other sat there admiring a newly transmuted ladder that had escaped the view of the mob.

"Come on," Ed called in a whisper, "Let's get out of here, you can stay at headquarters."

Bill let out another one of his goofy grins; this was getting to be really fun. He was a little worried, but oh well. That wasn't going to let anything like people trying to murder him get in the way of his exciting movies.

**Okay, well here you go. I know it could have been longer, but I'm going camping this weekend and I didn't want to leave this chapter unifinished. Hope you all like it, even though it wasn't as humorous as the last one.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I haven't said this in the first few chapters, but honestly, if I owned FMA, why would I be on a FANfiction site? It doesn't make any sense.**

**Oh YAYZ I finally got to this. I don't even know why I'm talking to you people about myself anymore but here goes my rant that half of you people won't even read. Studying is difficult and so is playing sports, keeping you social life, and typing fanfictions like this. Done. Sorry it took so long.**

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**Roy's Office at Central Headquarters 3:39 AM**

Ed and Bill raced down the street till they reached Headquarters. The familiar banners flapped in the wind as they rounded the corner.

"Whoa," exclaimed Bill. "This place is _HUGE_!"

"Yeah, you get used to it after a while. I've seen cooler things."

Bill just smiled at this. They had reached the stone steps and were ascending on them with the soft…_Thud _of Edward's boots. When the two of them got inside, they relaxed a little and walked, briskly through the halls. In a matter of minutes, or, as Bill called out, seven minutes and fifty-one seconds.

Roy was staying late, really late, signing some documents involving the safe guarding of Bill Nye. For the first time in years, he paid close attention to what was written. He checked every paragraph, making sure there were no unexpected things to agree to. This was the main reason he had to stay up so late.

He was about to write his name when an extremely loud banging at his door made him jump out of his seat.

A muffled voice sounded behind the door, "Roy! Let us in, I've got Bill and we just got away from some people trying to kill him!"

Roy rolled his eyes; it looked like he wasn't the only one who thought the world would be better off without the guy.

"I _suppose _you could," he replied in a mockingly mutinous voice.

He heard an aggravated shout, "STOP FOOLING AROUND AND LET ME IN!"

"Fine, be that way. I was just messing with you." He managed to say while laughing as he opened the door.

A white blur whizzed past him into his office. Roy looked over his shoulder, just in time to see Bill snatching something off his desk.

He stood in horror as the scientist hurriedly took apart his pocket watch.

Now it was Edward's turn to laugh, he had gotten in just in time to see it.

"M-My w-w-watch! What are you d-doing to it?" Roy stuttered.

Bill looked up and put on a huge grin. His shining smile made the Colonel flinch.

_How can this guy enjoy torturing us so much?_

He shuddered, imagining what the man had done to make him like this. Bill was throwing the screws onto the top of Roy's desk.

"Amazing, Mr. Mustang, or can I call you Roy? Don't you think it's so interesting how they can use these tiny things to tell time? We have made so many wonderful things with science. To think, by putting some small parts together, we were able to make something that moves all by itself, nonstop. It's almost as if the watch is alive! Not only that, but did you know that these are so intricately made that they are constantly correcting themselves? It's the very reason it sometimes goes back a minute or so every few hours."

Roy mumbled a few things about useless missions and mad scientists. Out loud, he replied, "Please call me Colonel Mustang sir. And could you _please _stop dismantling my watch and put it back together?"

It seemed as if Bill had just realized that he had taken the small watch into over twenty pieces. Gesturing apologetically, he pieced them into a whole again and handed it to Roy.

"Sorry about that Colonel. I forgot, won't happen again."

Roy sighed heavily as Edward burst into a fit of laughter. If only they could have had someone else guard him. Surely Riza or another officer would have been sufficient. But then again, who had come to get Bill, and why?

If only he had known, the culprit wasn't done damaging the mission, not even close to it.

* * *

**Bill's Lab and Studio 5:43 AM **

Dustin Nickolaus Adelbert stood in an empty lab. He was rushing around, gathering all the papers on alchemy he could find. He needed them for his projects.

It was quite simple really, he would let on to a few protective parents, telling them how dangerous alchemy would be. Being the gullible people they were, they would undoubtedly believe him and get rid of Bill Nye, meanwhile, he'd be able to steal all the man's work.

It was extremely simple. While his little pawns drove away his rival, he could botch up the studio, take documents, and do whatever possible to get _his_ documentaries famous instead of the screwy scientist. The man's ideas were ludicrous, and he seemed to think they were _actually _good. To Dustin, science was not something to joke with, nor taken as lightly.

He had to do something, and quick. From what he had learned, Bill planned on starting his videos the next day! Dustin didn't want his old "friend" to get all the glory for his crazy films. It was his turn to make something great, done in a much more civilized manner.

For once in his life, he would be getting Bill at his own game, being unpredictable, or at least he hoped. Despite first impressions, Bill Nye had an extremely sharp mind, very capable of noticing things that others didn't. But Dustin really hoped that he was not found out. He was messing around in a military project, so the consequences could be severe.

What do I care, he thought, I'm going to do it, no matter what happens. I have to stop that man from making science a joke.

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**Roy's office at Central Headquarters **

Everyone woke up stiff, and tired from the excitement of last night. Roy's hand hurt from all the signing, as did his eyes, from _actually _reading them for once. Edward was complaining about having to sleep in a wooden chair. The only happy people at the time were Havoc and Bill. Havoc was leaning against the wall with a cigarette in his mouth, while Bill sat talking to him about just about anything that popped into his head.

"This is a really nice place! I never knew that I'd ever get to spend the night in a military headquarters! What do you do here? Are you an alchemist too?"

"No, I'm just a normal officer," Havoc replied before he let out another puff of smoke, which Bill backed away from with a look of disgust on his face.

The others snorted with laughter. It was the man's one weakness, he didn't like to second-hand smoke.

He had said earlier, _"Studies show that second-hand smoking is close to just as bad as ACTUALLY doing it. That's why I don't let that Havoc guy bring his cigarettes into my studio. I don't want to give my working crew lung problems."_

Havoc rolled his eyes and left the room, muttering something about smoke alarms. Bill let out a sigh of relief, finally relaxed. Now it was time to go into his rare, serious mood.

"Excuse me, Colonel Mustang?"

"Yes?

"I'd like to discuss last night's intruders at my lab," everyone was giving him their attention. "There are few people I can think of that wouldn't want me to finish this documentary. I suspect Patrick Harris, Mary Catherine, and my old colleague, Dustin Adelbert. Patrick used to work at my studio before I had him fired for stealing some of my research, Mary is a girl from college that has a grudge against me for not letting me into my team, and Dustin hates me for using humor in science. Apparently, he doesn't think learning should be fun, honestly, how can someone be serious like that man, _all _the time."

Edward nearly commented on the last bit. He could name a couple people who would have agreed with the Adelbert guy. But this was a rhetorical question, and he didn't want to stop Bill's explanation.

"I need to get some people to look into this," he continued. "Pages upon pages of my research files, all gone! It's going to take me forever to write down all my observations and interviews. Why now? I was so close to getting a breakthrough of how I was going to do all this. But now it's all ruined! " He was shouting by the end, practically pulling his hair out in frustration.

Nobody said anything. It was obvious, even after the short time they had met him, Bill didn't lose control like this often.

For the next hour or more, the group began planning their own investigations and had some interviews with Bill so he could work on redoing his lost research. It was around lunch time when it was Ed's turn to be interviewed.

"So," Bill said. "I'm going to ask you about alchemic rebounds and the equivalency in the transmutations."

Edward smiled, it was funny how much Bill seemed to catch on. Who was better at talking about alchemic rebounds than him, someone who had experienced it first-hand?

"Well, first of all, I'll talk about the basics of 'Equivalent Exchange'. You can't make something out of nothing. To make anything, you must give something of equal value in return, like when I transmute bread out of grass. I need enough of the grass to make the substance and it needs to be alive to produce the energy that the food gives us. If I used sand to make bread, it wouldn't work because it doesn't make energy like a plant such as grass would."

Bill nodded. That much made sense to him, it was quite the same in science, something had to come from something else.

"The only possible way to bypass that law is with the 'Philosopher's Stone', although how to make it, most people don't know. If you were to attempt to go against equivalency, it would result in an alchemic rebound. Say, for example, you wanted to make a bike out of a metal rod. There wouldn't be enough material and since you can't really stop alchemy once it starts, it'll need something to make the bike. In situations like this, the array will eat up the closest thing to it, which is usually the alchemist. But even when a person's body is sacrificed, it doesn't help because bikes aren't made out of humans. Most of the time, rebounds will kill or maim you for life with the result of a failed transmutation."

Bill didn't speak, he was too busy writing it down and thinking. It was going to be hard to make this a funny thing in his movie, maybe even impossible._ What am I thinking? With science, nothing is impossible!_

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* * *

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**20 minutes later**

Bill had finally finished questioning everybody and they were pretty relaxed. After all, the averagely strange man had been going for quite some time without doing anything insane of drastic.

"That'll be all for now. I need some rest and decent time to work this entire thing out!"

With that, he got up and went to the door. However, he stopped because a thought had just come to mind.

"Do you guys have any borax soap and glue?"

Everybody stared at him in disbelief. So much for him being normal.

"What do you need that for," Riza questioned, she had just come in to the office during Ed's interview. "I don't really see why you want to ask for that all of a sudden."

"Well now that I'm done _working_, I was thinking of making something."

"Making…something," Roy said. "Making what?"

"Glubber," He replied, with an excited look on his face.

Everyone just stared and exclaimed, "WHAT?"

Bill laughed, adding to their confusion, "Glubber! You can't say you've never heard of it. "

They all shook their heads, no.

"Honestly, what in the world do you do for fun? Well, if you don't know about it, then I guess I just have to show you!" He said happily while pulling out a sheet of paper and putting it on Roy's desk for everyone to see.

* * *

_**How to Make Glubber**_

_Materials_

3 tablespoons Faultless powdered starch (scented, gloss, or any other brand of starch will not work)  
1 tablespoon Borax  
2 cups water  
A paper or plastic cup  
A spoon  
A measuring cup  
A bowl  
½ cup white glue

1 self-sealing plastic bags to store the Glubber.

_Procedure_

1. Mix three tablespoons of starch and 1 cup of hot water in a bowl, stirring well with the spoon.

2. Pour ¼ cup of the glue and ¼ cup of water into the cup.  
3. Press it and mix it with the spoon for about one minute until a thick material forms.  
4. Remove the Glue Putty from the cup.  
5. Hold it over the sink to let any remaining liquid drain off the putty.  
6. Shape it into a ball.

_If all of this is carried out and let to dry, you should get a nice ball of Glubber that can bounce, stretch, and so much more!_

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* * *

_

Ed looked at it, interested. He recalled his brother bringing some of that home from school once, claiming to have made it in science class.

_So THAT'S what that stuff was. Funny though, it was really great to play with until we got it all over the furniture. Mom got mad about that…_

"Pretty cool, isn't it?" Bill said gleefully.

Roy was about to trying to answer, "I'm not so sure if that's a good id-"

"Excellent plan, sir! It's the perfect thing to pass time while we're waiting for the investigation team to finish up with their work." Ed interrupted.

Roy's scowl was outshone by Bill's white teeth beaming down at Edward, who smiled a little uneasily back. It was the only way to prolong his progress into making starting the filming that they had all been dreading, and Roy didn't like it.

But there was one thought that everyone shared…._What in the world does that man want with making Glubber?_

_

* * *

_**I'm not sure if this is even satisfyingly long enough. Please forgive me!!!!!!!!!!!**


End file.
